Silence

Today, I thought about how many times I have started writing, and then stopped. How many times, I’ve written passages and then took them down. How much fear would run through my fingers as I pressed publish on my website or on my social media pages. I have been so afraid of my own voice. It’s no wonder I became silent. I have allowed myself to tell stories about how I am not valued or that I am too much and I have let myself act upon those stories. Which, those stories may or may not be true, but it doesn’t matter anyway.

Ultimately, I believe in my words and the things that I have to say and that truth always prospers. I love to write about the way I perceive the world and the lesson’s I’ve gathered from the experiences I’ve had. I love to share my perception of the relationship’s I cultivate and the creativity that I share through my business and my art and my writing.

The fear’s I have experienced were not just conditioned, they were deeply rooted in my DNA. These fear’s exist in my family line. Fear of having a voice. Fear of being too much. Fear of being undervalued or unworthy. Guilty of not being enough. Guilty of not doing enough. Fear & guilt exist in my family line and I didn’t even recognize how it had been passed along to me. It’s interesting how natural fear and guilt can feel.

So much unnecessary fear and guilt that held, not just me from stepping into my full truth, but my family. And I knew that ever since I was a child. In the word’s that didn’t match the energies. In all the times, my mom and dad would say they were fine, but I could feel that they weren’t. The silence that echoed through the hallways when my Dad got sick and my mom was overworked. The unsaid resentment and frustration that drifted through the hallways growing up.

I was taught that negativity wasn’t okay and occasionally, anger was. Big emotion’s were often seen as too much and I was immediately corrected to quiet my voice.

This may seem like a rant filled with resentment, but it really isn’t. It is filled with understanding of who I was conditioned to be, the generational trauma that has existed in my family for generation’s and my willingness to open up the silence, to allow my voice to be heard and for truth’s to be lovingly placed at the altar. To transform dark into light, by stepping into it.

In my understanding, I have found compassion for my family. I understand why they were silent and how that silence, buried who they truly were. My Dad literally, died of a broken heart. My mom literally, had a disease that attacked the very building blocks of her humanity. Were these all coincidences? Or, were they literal manifestation’s of the silence they kept hidden?

There were moment’s I would see their true self. In the way music would bring the light back to their faces. In the moment’s they were proud of me. I realize now, that I tried so hard to be a good kid because in those moment’s, when I got to show them how good I was, I could sense their true self. Their true love. And so, I would try to be what they needed me to be.

I know I reflected their true self back to them. Especially as a kid. In the way I loved music, and danced in front of the mirror. In the freedom that existed within me and they would be able to catch a glimpse of it. I know that what they were trying to tame, was my freedom. Because their freedom’s, were always being tamed by those who came before them. They didn’t want me to be too free because that meant chaos and mistakes and downfall to them. In their generational line, it meant death, it meant not being accepted into the tribe. And I get that now, with my whole heart, I get that.

It is not even that I am asking for anything. I am not even asking for permission to be myself. I am expressing the empowerment that exists within me. The empowerment that almost went silent. I have realized how much I haven’t trusted my own words and my own intuitive nature. How many times I have betrayed my true self to be acceptable and loved by other’s. I am blessed to live in a time where, I can be as free as I want to be and the only person that can hold me back, is me. It has always been me. I had placed too much weight on other people’s opinions of me, and not enough on what I thought, of me.

What I am aiming to say, confidently, is this -

I know there are times in which you feel you need to silence yourself to be acceptable and loved by other’s. However, intuitively, you know of unconditional love. I know you feel it in your bones. Not just in your capacity to receive it, but also, in your capacity to give it. If you are a mother, you know that so naturally and do your best to express it. Remember, that unconditional love means, no condition. It means, that no matter who you are being or, what you are going through, you are loved. Not just by God, but also by everyone who has come before you and also, by those in your life who keep showing up at your doorstep, especially when things get rough. They may not say it, but in their energy it reads, “I am here, no matter what, because at the end of the day, we are all human and we all deserve support through our mistakes.” Those are the ones who are here to be your guides and walk this life path with you. Not the ones who have not yet seen their own truth and so, they judge you. Remember, that when you zoom out, none of their opinion’s matter. They do not affect your life, unless you allow them to. And that’s th key word, is allow. Whatever you allow to affect you, will affect you. It is easier to send someone love, than it is to try to control what other’s think about you. You don’t give yourself space to be your most authentic self.

This is your reminder to get close to yourself and hold yourself unconditionally. You are a powerful and empowered human being.