Day #68
Letter’s of Surrender: 90 Day’s of Living An Intuitive Life
Saturday, August 16, 2025 9:17pm
Dear Reader,
Today, I’ve been sitting with the energy of big perspective shifts. More specifically, big perspective shifts on how I view myself and what I believe about myself. It’s interesting because I feel like I’ve placed my feet on solid ground in relationship to how I see myself. I guess I did not realize, how passive I was about my own self-worth. How passive I was about how much I believed in myself and to what extent. I never sat down to reflect on these things in a more clear and intentional way. Much of my action’s did not align with a confident person or, a person who believed in herself. I was always looking outside of myself for validation. Always trying to find connection with other’s, so I could validate and perhaps, even understand my own existence. And you know, as I reflect on this feeling that has been coming up within me, I’m not quite sure where it’s coming from. It almost feel’s like, I woke up a couple of day’s ago and decided I was worthy and I was going to start acting like it. I do acknowledge all the inner work that I’ve been doing. Perhaps, what I really needed to see was the hyper vigilance that has been holding me back my whole life. Scanning, observing, protecting. I have been putting so much energy into protecting myself, that I couldn’t ever own my worth or focus on creating my own life without one foot outside the door, ready to run at the first sign of trouble.
Today, I was noticing little moment’s where I would usually begin to let my thoughts spiral and, it felt so easy to decide not to. It felt easy to stop the momentum immediately. I have never had that much ability to self-regulate. I would always want to, but my nervous system would just start firing and I had trained myself into such high states of anxiety, that I couldn’t stop my own momentum.
A few year’s back, I was having trouble with panic attack’s. I didn’t realize how stressed I was because I was always stressed. It had become such a familiar state of being. The momentum on my stress had picked up so much, that I started experiencing panic attacks. It felt like the wall’s were closing in and my heart was racing. I felt like I was going to die and I had even checked myself into the Emergency Room a couple of times. I had pushed myself so far off the edge, that I couldn’t get my body to settle down. It was so strange to know what was going on in my body, but not know how to control it. Eventually, I learned how to calm myself down. I learned deep somatic breathing and, I also learned how to manage my stress better over the years. I’ve learned that so many of the thing’s I’ve stressed about was out of my control and many times, it was just thoughts that went unchecked.
I reflect on these older version’s of me and I’m proud of myself for doing the work. I refused to settle and I refused to let fear drive me away from doing deep dive’s into my own darkness. It took me some time, but now I can look back on it all and confidently say it was worth it. All the frustration that came with understanding how to self-regulate and even, understanding that my nervous system was just trained into this type of reaction, made me realize that I could train it into a different reaction. Or, really, just train it to interpret peace as, peace. And not, peace, as danger. It’s so insane, how you can ask for safety, but not even know how to live it.
I must also point out, that even though I don’t quite know where my life will be in the next few month’s, I still feel incredibly grounded. Like, it doesn’t really matter what will manifest because I have the skill’s, the curiosity and the receptivity to embrace whatever manifests. Perhaps, that has been the core lesson for me all along - asking for a more grounded life, begin’s within yourself. You are the foundation of your life. How you perceive yourself and what you believe about yourself is the seed from which your life grow’s. It determine’s what direction, your life goes. It determine’s how you interpret the world around you and the people in it. Taking the time to work on the relationship you have with yourself is truly where the quality of your life begin’s.
Till tomorrow.
Love Always,
Ariel