Day #67
Letter’s of Surrender: 90 Day’s of Living An Intuitive Life
Friday, August 15, 2025 7:58pm
Dear Reader,
Today, has been one of the most interesting day’s in this journey so far. The thing is, I’m not referring to anything outside of myself, either. My day was interesting because I feel like I had an incredible perspective shift. I have been talking so much about healing, generational trauma, hyper vigilance, over giving, people pleasing and today, I felt like I was done with it. I was done needing to look for all the evidence of my own trauma. In fact, I am done with it. It almost feel’s annoying to me. I asked myself today, “How long is this healing journey supposed to be?” I have been beginning to feel like I’ve been in the dark for way too long and I was done looking.
I reflected on how, every morning, I examine my thoughts and emotion to look for signs that my trauma was still affecting me. I literally, sit and write for a couple of hours, trying to examine every little thing and pick apart every little thing. I see it now, as I was looking to feel safe. That this habit I created, was one born of hyper-vigilance and needing to make sure I was perfect. I disguised it as a spiritual practice. And although, I believe that reflecting and appreciation are great habits, I realize that my own trauma had leaked into this morning ritual. I have spent so much time analyzing my own action’s and thoughts and emotion’s and, for what? Who am I even trying to impress? Am I just trying to protect myself from being wrong? I spent almost a week, harping on my realization of hyper-vigilance. I was looking at all my relationship’s, all my decision’s and how they were born from fear. Now, I am looking at myself and how this hyper-vigilance has even made it’s way into my own daily habits and rituals.
My defensive mechanism’s are so intelligent. Intelligent enough to make themselves invisible to me. They were so familiar, that I didn’t feel the need to examine them and test their validity. That’s what makes these wall’s so dangerous - you don’t even know they exist. You just continue to walk right up to the wall and never, question what’s beyond it. These past 67 day’s, have just been one big marathon of climbing over these wall’s and experiencing what is possible beyond them. It’s uncomfortable, but I feel free. Free, because I realized I was the one who built the cage and therefore, I was the only one who could let myself out. To be free, is to root fully in living. It is letting go of perfection and needing to have it all together or have it all right. I am realizing that the truth is, you will never have it all together nor, will you always be right. If the cycle of change is never-ending, the only thing we can do is root in the present moment and appreciate all that comes forth. All we can do is appreciate the opportunity to live a physical, magical life. Interact with our environment. Listen deeply to those we surround ourselves with. Appreciate their presence and unique energy. Otherwise, what is the point?
I needed to go through this journey to be able to really see myself and the thing is, I think I seen what I needed to see. With that information, I can make the choice to truly embrace my life. To be within it. Interact with it. Play with it.
I’m not too sure what’s going to come up next for me in all of this. And maybe, I will find myself deeply examining all over again tomorrow, but I am going to take a break from looking and just decide to love myself, as I am. Right now. In this moment. Not needing to be anything more. Not needing to look for myself in others. Not needing to find validation outside of myself. Deciding for once in my life, that I am not just okay. I am loved. I am deserving. I am worthy. I can have whatever I want.
And even with this perspective shift, I still want to build. I still want to create. What I am going to stop doing is not believing in myself. I am going to stop over-analyzing and over examining everything I do and think. I am going to stop letting fear be the place from which I act. I am going to devote myself to living my life, building what I want to build, and taking care of my people. From this moment forward, I will choose to focus on forward moving inspiration’s, thoughts and actions.
I did have the thought that perhaps, I kept looping because my nervous system needed to catch up with my perspective shift. I would go back and forth between wanting to live fully and needing to protect myself from perceived dangers. I was tip toeing in and out of everything in my life. Too afraid to immerse. These past few month’s, I kept trying. I would go as far as I could, then retreat when my nervous system started to speak loudly. And yet this time, I feel as if I am finally integrating. My nervous system is making space for a new way of being in the world. One that is more balanced and trusting. My nervous system is aligning with my perspective shift. Even in just saying that, I realize, I had to walk through the dark and know who I was within it. Otherwise, I wouldn’t know that the darkness didn’t have to belong to me. You can’t let go what you are not familiar with.
As I move forward, I invite you to come with me. I invite you to choose your alignment intentionally and consciously. I invite you to let go of fear over and over again, until it becomes second nature to you. I invite you to continue choosing the version of you that welcomes peace, love and abundance. Even, when it feel’s uncomfortable. It is walking through the unknown, in which you find the better version of yourself.
Till tomorrow.
Love Always,
Ariel