Day #76
Letter’s of Surrender: 90 Day’s of Living An Intuitive Life
Dear Reader,
I think I am realizing how delusional I am about truth. Not just my own, but also the truth’s of those around me. I have been a sucker for words, even though there wasn’t much action to validate those words. Perhaps, I am being too hard on myself and even, to others. I am probably not seeing it clear enough. Especially, with the understanding that everyone perceives thing’s through their own filters of experience and beliefs. Perhaps, that’s what makes it hard for me because I want to blame someone, but I cannot. Because what that really means is, I have been allowing other people to determine my decision’s. I think this is what happen’s when you’re indecisive and are too afraid to make your own solid decision’s. Always trying to consider everyone around you, before you consider what is best for you.
Seeing myself more clearly has been such a struggle these past couple of week’s because seeing myself clearly, has also made me understand all the decision’s I’ve made. How much I’ve settled for less because I just wanted to feel safe. How much that momentum unraveled into more of the same, frustrating experiences. I know the only thing I can do now, is move forward and just continue, choosing myself and nourishing myself in a way I never have before. But, I have to admit it still stings. However, I also know that I need to let it go, acknowledge the lesson and move in alignment with who I choose to be. Did I need to understand why, in order to move forward? I believe so. Because knowing why, prevent’s you from repeating the same old patterns that don’t serve you.
Coupled with the frustrating from seeing myself clearly, I also am deciding to move into a life that is different and therefore, feel’s uncomfortable. I am having to show up for myself in a way I never have before and it feel’s uncomfortable because the momentum is so big in the opposite direction. For me, passivity has big momentum behind it. The continued cycle of not following through with my own desires has so much momentum behind it. and it’s gotten worse, the more I practice it. I can understand why people have such a hard time with change as they get older. They’ve literally mastered the thing’s that keep them stuck.
Even with this discomfort and frustration, I am going to continue showing up for my new life. I understand that this is just part of it and, I am willing to feel the discomfort of being a newbie in order to have what I want. I used to interpret discomfort and frustration as a sign to not move forward. As an indication to remain where I am. The need to feel safe, has literally, kept me stuck. I keep having to remind myself that it’s not always going to feel this way. If you find yourself in doubt, continue to move as if that doubt doesn’t exist. Continue to follow the plan. Remember, that one day, it won’t feel uncomfortable because you have practiced it often and intentionally.
Till tomorrow.
Love Always,
Ariel