Day #84
Letter’s of Surrender: 90 Day’s of Living An Intuitive Life
Monday, September 1, 2025 7:35pm
Dear Reader,
This question comes up for me tonight, “Do you need to understand the ‘why’, in order to choose what feel’s good to you?” And, “Would you be able to trust that if it feel’s good to you, that’s all that would matter?” It feel’s like a tricky question, though. Even as I pose it. Because then I think about people with addiction. To them, the drug feel’s good and, they continue to choose it because it feel’s good and many of them don’t end up in a good place. But I guess, if I really think about it, are they looking to feel good? Or, are they looking for relief? I was a big binge drinker a few year’s back. I drank beer almost every night and many nights, I drank to get drunk. When I reflect on why I even did that, most of the time, I was looking for relief from my own anxiety. From my own thought patterns. Alcohol made me feel free. I wasn’t excited to drink alcohol. I was excited to feel free.
My energy has been turned inward the past week or so and I’m really beginning to notice, just how negative my mind is. I am much more negative than I like to admit. It’s not always expressed outward, but it’s very much a thought pattern that I’m beginning to notice. I am both negative and judgmental. Not just of myself, but of other’s as well. I do alot of comparison and wanting to prove myself in my own head. As I write this, I am understanding why I often just want to run away and take a vacation. I am literally just wanting to escape my own negative thought patterns. I notice that alot of it is also connected to how much I am nourishing my body and how busy I am. When I eat and sleep enough to keep up with my own curiosity, I feel great. When I don’t, I feel horrible. That’s something I’m noticing. When I am in my work, creating and servicing client’s, I feel great. To put the two together, when I am in my creative space and nourished, I feel the best. I notice, when I am being a mother, I feel my best. Nurturing my daughter’s life feel’s great. Swimming in the ocean, feel’s great. And now…I find myself on a rampage of what feel’s great. Which is also, great!
I have noticed that I take alot of thing’s from my past and ruminate on them. I have been undisciplined in my thinking and, I am realizing that if I am going to enact discipline, anywhere, it should be within my own thought patterns and, what I allow myself to focus upon. Why? Because everything flows from that. The decision’s I make begin, with the thoughts I’ve been thinking and the energy state I am in. So the past few days, I’ve been doing my best to not just nourish my body and sleep enough, but I have also been paying attention to my negative thought patterns. I have been trying my best to stop them before they begin rolling down the hill and there’s no coming back from them. That’s one thing I am really beginning to find frustrating - the momentum of negative thoughts and how they end up affecting your mood and out look on life.
In all of this, I am also realizing that I have been tip-toeing around everything. I am observing myself and my life so hard, it’s getting depressing. Because somewhere in there, I am forgetting to actually live. That part of living is to just make the decision’s and follow through with them. I do believe that, out biggest regret’s will be the decision’s we were too afraid to make. Why? Because there will always be the “What if?” factor and that, can drive people crazy. I have been thinking about my thinking so much, I found myself cracking a beer this afternoon. I found myself just ready to be free of all this nit picking and inner work. I’ve realized, I’ve overcomplicated all of it. It’s just been interesting to observe the world and all its people and realize, that there are billion’s of different perspective’s. Every single person, hold’s their own, unique perspective of the world. And that’s based on so many variables, like belief, culture, up-bringing, environment. To say anyone has the same exact perspective of the world, would be a lie. In understanding this, I don’t need to get anything right. I need to just allow myself to live. I need to make space for the negative thought pattern’s and the new one’s. I need to understand that I may or may not be able to get rid of them, but I do know how to transform them. And really, that’s the value of living - we get to figure out how to deal with negativity in whatever form it presents itself. It’s valuable and part of what it means to be human who has a life. I scroll on my instagram and I see everyone telling everyone else how to live. What they should do. Why they should do it. Everyone has their own set of research and understanding’s. Everyone is offering their own opinion’s and the thing is, no one is right or wrong. Because some opinion’s and guidance work for some and don’t work for other’s. It doesn’t make it any more or less valuable. And perhaps, that’s the true value of discernment and, allowing yourself to live.
Allow yourself to try new thing’s. Do not be afraid to try new ways of doing thing’s. Do not be afraid to try new way’s of solving problem’s. Try new way’s to create wealth, raise a family, adventure, invent. Try it all. Even if it doesn’t pan out the way you had hoped, at least you did it. At least you have another valuable experience in your bag of life. The more valuable experiences you stack in your bag, the more wisdom you step into. The more unique your perspective of the world becomes. The more amazing stories you will have to tell the generation’s that come after you.
And, as I write that I realize, that’s what’s been really making me feel stuck lately. Over the past few year’s, I have become so isolated. I perceived myself as a broken human, who needed fixing. And while, there were definitely some valuable thing’s I’ve learned about myself, as I worked to heal generational and ancestral trauma, I cannot be fixing myself forever. I have been literally doing the self-actualization work for years now. I keep talking about the same thing’s and coming around to the same conclusion’s. Yes, shit happens. Yes, my ancestor’s passed along some generational trauma. But, it’s not meant to look at and heal forever. It’s meant to heal, so you can move forward. So you can start living your life in the way your ancestor’s didn’t get a chance. To be free in a way no one who came before you, got to be. That’s the part I’ve been missing. So, it’s no wonder, I’ve been finding myself just drowning in the dark. When you see yourself as broken, for so long, you can’t quite see what you look like when you’re not.
If we’re being honest, I am only understanding the concept of my authentic self now. The self the emerges from all of the healing, self-realization and actualization work. I am only understanding now, what actually brings me joy and how good I am at the thing’s I do. I am only understanding my value as a human being now. And honestly, it was just a decision I keep on having to make over and over again, you know? I have always tip-toed around my own confidence. Wanting to take it in my hand’s and act as a confident person, but too afraid to piss everyone around me off. And the thing is, I can’t quite tell you the exact path that led me to this moment, either. I can’t tell you what steps I took in order to see my value and decide I was worthy enough to act on it. Because I will admit to the fact that I would say it, but I didn’t believe it. So, how many time’s did I have to come around on the same spiral to actually hold my own worthiness and act on it? Gosh, I couldn’t tell you. But I will tell you, that if you allow yourself to keep coming back around and owning your worthiness more and more each time, the better you get at it. And perhaps, one day, you won’t feel the need to to own it because you will already be it. Embodiment is the end goal.
Till tomorrow.
Love Always,
Ariel