Day #51
Wednesday, July 30, 2025 7:35pm
Dear Reader,
Today, was just a continuum of yesterday’s work. It was a consistent and constant observation of certain negative thought pattern’s and choosing, not to allow them to affect or, to act on them. I notice that each time I call these thought pattern’s forward, the easier it becomes to see them for what they truly are. Each time I acknowledge their presence, the more I realize how much it doesn’t belong to me. This is perhaps, the most valuable work I have ever done. And, I am proud of myself.
This negative though pattern has alot to do with my hypervigilance surrounding love and relationship. As a child, I was conditioned into observing energy shifts, mood changes and body language. I would shapeshift and become whatever those people needed in order to be accepted and easy to handle. I thought that’s what it meant to love someone. To become whatever they needed. I never thought of the consequences of that. I never thought about how that meant losing myself. Not getting a chance to cultivate a relationship with myself. This type of conditioning created chaos within my relationship’s and in the way I perceived myself and the world around me. I was jaded. And not, in a way that allowed for my best self to step forward.
I’ve been thinking about the deep fear within me that is afraid of losing those she loves because she is not doing enough or good enough. And, I used to identify with that part of me so deeply. I believed those thoughts were true. These belief’s leaked into my decision’s and the way I acted upon them. I was always seeking to secure my worthiness in the perspective of other’s. In a sense, I almost do not know who I am without them. But, I do know one thing now - they do not belong to me anymore.
The realization that negative thought pattern’s do not need to belong to me is liberating. To think it, but not hold it is a power I never thought I’d develop. This is why I pray you recognize the power that already exist’s within you. This power is transformational. It clear’s out what is no longer serving you and, makes space for everything that does. At first, you won’t feel powerful. Truth will often do that to you. But, once you have the capacity and compassion to hold this truth, you will want nothing more, but to transform it into something life-giving. Even, if it mean’s walking through the fire. Because you will intuitively know, that at the other end of that fire, you will find more of your true self.
Till tomorrow.
Love Always,
Ariel