Day #55
Letter’s of Surrender: 90 Day’s of Living An Intuitive Life
Sunday, August 3, 2025 8:07pm
Dear Reader,
Today, is an emotionally rough one for me. I understand my discomfort, but I do not know how to move myself out of it. I have just been sitting with the discomfort and exploring it. I have spent most of my day continuing to unravel in this dark realization of my own hyper vigilance in love and relationship’s. I feel I have been harping on this for the past week. Perhaps, even longer. Perhaps, it is actually, the one core belief that I needed to get to all along. Everything else, has been a result of the action’s I’ve taken on this core belief. The belief that say’s, I need to perform in order to be loved. The belief that say’s, I am never doing enough. I am not enough. That I have to be whatever people need in order to remain loved and safe.
It’s been a hard truth to look at. It’s so layered and so deeply rooted. I didn’t even realize all the ways in which I’ve acted upon it my whole life. I didn’t realize how it just got worse over the year’s. I am having, what sort of feel’s like a collapse. I feel I am asking the question all over again, “Who am I?” And this time, there’s a second part to that question, “Who am I when I’m not performing?” I started this intuitive blog series to develop my intuitive abilities and, I am realizing this is actually a journey to finding my authentic self. I cannot develop my intuition if I do not even know who I am without all of my trauma. Otherwise, I will be reading energies through filter’s filled with my past trauma and experiences. I won’t be able to see truth, if I dont see my own. And man, this work is hard.
It’s making me also ask, “What do you really want, then?” I have built much of my life around the people that I love. I have built my life around wanting to be what they need and what, will keep them choosing me. I have this deep seated longing to be chosen. I realized that today so honestly and deeply. It’s been a tough truth to look at. I want so badly to be chosen, especially, by the people I am closest to. And honestly, I don’t know what it looks like if I was just building my life for me. I have no damn clue what kind of choices I would be making. And maybe, I am exaggerating all of this, but to sum it all up, it feel’s confusing and heavy. It feel’s like I have become the one thing, I used to dislike about my mother.
My mom spent her whole life taking care of other people, at the cost of her own well-being. She took care of many sick people. She became a single mom, who worked two jobs in order to take care of her two children. She went back home to take care of her own parent’s and even, her own siblings. She helped alleviate everyone’s struggles, even if that put her in a struggling position. She believed it was the right thing to do. That it was righteous. And yet, I seen her struggle so much. I seen how tired she was day in and day out. She became so many people’s backbone because she didn’t want to lose them and perhaps, she didn’t believe they could do it for themselves. She also attached her worthiness and deservingness, by what she could do for others and, what she could bring to their tables. She compared herself often and was in quiet competition with other’s. Not realizing, that she was acting on her deep insecurities.
I see myself becoming this. I see all the way’s in which these thing’s feel so familiar and I just pick them up, like they’ve always been mine. That it is the most natural thing in the world. Perhaps it is, but not at the expensive of my own ability to build a solid foundation . And perhaps, it’s not even that I need to switch up my whole life. I may just need to find more balance in how I give to other’s. Trying not to be more than I already am. To take action from a place of honesty with where I am, yet knowing and trusting that I am going to close the gap from where I am to where I want to be. To move at my own pace, not at the pace other’s are walking just to be acceptable. To say no, when I cannot be of service and not need to explain why or justify my decision. To not ruminate on how I should have said yes, because guilt has been so deeply embedded in my psyche.
To say, I am done with this, is probably something I am going to say over a period of time. I know I am not going to be done with this as quickly as I’d like to be because it feel’s so familiar. And that’s what I’m realizing about familiarity, if you’re not present and intentional, you will pick up what is familiar over and over again. You will pick up what is familiar, even if it doesn’t serve you, over and over again. Because that’s all you’ve ever done. Familiarity is sneaky and so damn convincing. And, I still find myself falling prey to what is familiar, because the unknown feels uncomfortable and the familiar is predictable. Choosing the unknown over and over again is challenging because I have to root into something I cannot see. I have but, faith and trust in my toolkit at times.
So, if I’m being honest, I don’t really know where this journey is really going to take me now that I am seeing my truth all over again, from a deeper and more developed perspective. I haven’t quite figured out who I am, without the fear’s and insecurities that have been driving me. What I am going to allow myself is time, quiet and trust. I am going to allow myself to step into the unknown and let the universe show me who I truly am without all of insecurities and fear’s. Without the hyper vigilance that has been driving my decision’s for decades. So, I am going to offer myself grace and strength and allow myself to become fluid within this interesting, yet challenging time in my journey.
Till tomorrow.
Love Always,
Ariel