Day #59
Thursday, August 7, 2025 8:20pm
Dear Reader,
Tonight, I am struggling with my own insecurities and my own pattern’s that continue to spiral and I haven’t been able to shift their direction. It just keeps coming right back around and yet, this time, I’m much more annoyed with it. I sort of feel like, I’m at that point of no return. Nothing bad has happened to inspire the shift, but I’m just over it. I realize that as you begin to align with your worth, you stop putting up with your own shit. You stop settling. You stop listening to your hyper-vigilance. It just doesn’t make sense anymore. And I guess, in a sense, I still find myself in both confusion and grief. I am mostly clear, but some moment’s throughout the day, I am not. I begin wanting to throw my whole plan of rooting and growing, out of the window and going back to a plan, that has no real spine. I notice the rebellious shadow, that doesn’t want to listen to my own self. And that voice gets so confusing sometimes.
I feel like I have been going through alot of this lately. I am almost 2 month’s into this entire intuitive journey and the rollercoaster’s of emotions, realization’s and perspective shifts have been outrageous. This has literally been the wildest ride of my life thus far. Aligning with my most authentic self has been the wildest adventure of my life. I literally feel like I’m in this training camp for my future life and, the heat is getting to me. It feel’s as if I exist on both ends of the spectrum of disbelief and belief at the same time. I haven’t quite found the sweet spot of the higher level of reality that I want to experience. But I’m also not trying to quite either. I have never fought so hard for my own life. And perhaps, fighting is not the right word. Because it’s not violent. It’s just uncomfortable. One minute, I am stuck in anxious thoughts about what to do next and the next minute, I’ve found a Youtube video of Dr. Joe Dispenza. He’s talking about the research of believing in yourself and shifting your reality. He offer’s tool’s to help you align with certainty and how to act from it. And then, I am all the way back on the other end of believing that I can do and have wahtever I want. This has been happening to me multiple times throughout the day, these past few days. I feel like, this is an initiation. I am having to work for my new reality.
At the end of it all, it’s all worth it. Aligning with my most authentic path, has been one of the most eye-opening, heart-centered experiences, I’ve ever had. I also feel like, I had to walk this path in order to become the teacher I’ve always wanted to be. I may come on here and bitch about the shadow end of this journey, but I wouldn’t want this any other way. Because so much healing has happened. So much happiness and excitement is experienced every day. And perhaps, that is the blessing I’m not quite allowing myself to see - I have the capacity to feel so many different emotion’s and know them intimately because of the life experiences I’ve had and continue to have. Emotion’s bring the entire world to life, even the heavy one’s. Without emotion, we would never know the feeling of awe as we watch the sun rise and set. We would never know what being embraced by the ocean water feel’s like. We would never know, what it feel’s like to love deeply. I have had the opportunity to experience so many different emotion’s because of my experiences and for that, I will always be thankful.
Till tomorrow.
Love Always,
Ariel